My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize