my vag is so smooth its legendary
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize