there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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