waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
