I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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