he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Do you have feelings for this penis?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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