Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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