I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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