i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize