You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
