my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
