everyone is single if you try hard enough
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
