I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
