I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
