Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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