I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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