I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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