I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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