just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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