And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
