We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
