Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Found your dick twin last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
