just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
