I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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