can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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