my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
