he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize