I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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