i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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