there's paper in my vomit.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
