We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
