Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize