got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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