matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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