Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I party with great urgency now.
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