in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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