I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
