I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
