I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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