If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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