WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
