You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dicks are not precious.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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