I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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