the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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