i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
