I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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