***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
