I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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