dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
