we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
