Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
