Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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