If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i think my cat just said my name.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
