I looked at my own cervix.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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