you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
