Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize