i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
