i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
