ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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