I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
