your thong is hanging out like whoa
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
