The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize