eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
