you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize