apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
This house was built for laser tag.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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