Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
